The Quotable Lamaze Book

You can read all you want about the ‘miracle’ of birth, but there’s nothing like a class to make you giggle like a twelve year old. Our instructor is a spry old woman who’s been delivering babies for ever and who believes that proper breathing can fix just about anything (Eric’s testing the theory on a leaky pipe in the basement).

Much more amusing, however, is the booklet that accompanies the class – “The Gift of Motherhood: Your Personal Journey Through Prepared Childbirth.” The eerie, smiling drawings of women in labor, beginning on page 12, were our first clue that this booklet might be a little unusual. We've collected a few of the more amusing quotes to share:

Addressing the labor support person:
“Keep your strength up. Just do not eat in front of her!” (p 12)
“Note to Labor Support Person: Please do not eat any onions or other types of spicy foods that day…” (p 20) Note to Eric: If you do either of these, I’ll force the hospital food on you!

On page 34, there is a picture of a ketchup bottle and a mayonnaise bottle. We’ll leave it up to you to figure out why.

Cutting the umbilical cord is trendy these days, and…
“Don’t worry, the doctor won’t let them cut off something that is not supposed to be cut off!” (p 43) These are words no mother-to-be should read or hear.

Regarding labor:
“There is no turning back!” (p 46) Then this isn’t an elective procedure?
“Hiccuping, belching and passing gas. How lovely!” (p 50) Sarcasm brought to you by the Catholic Church.
“Do not let anyone tell you that labor does not hurt if you breathe and relax properly. You will want to hunt them down after having your baby.” (p 54) Again, this from a hospital affiliated with the Catholic Church??

What the baby looks like:
“Oh no, my baby has a cone head!” (p 64) Mm. Yes. This is common among earthling young ones.

Feeding your newborn:
“The football hold.” (p 95) This position is typically used by breast-feeding fathers.
“You are now a DAD!” (p 104) That didn’t happen when the baby was born? Huh, we had no idea it was linked to feeding.

Caring for baby:
“The first week at home as a new mom is great. You are catered to every step of the way. Your friends and family are there to help you with meals, cleaning and anything else you want or need.” (p 109) Excellent! We have some pipes in the basement that need replacing and I’d really love to have a sauna out back. Let’s get cracking, folks!

Eewie, Stewie

If, by chance, you haven’t been keeping current with the comments on this blog, there has been clamoring by many that, while in utero, Baby Jeneric be called Stewie. We will overlook the fact that we had already named the fetus Baby Jeneric to address the Stewie faction. For those who are a little lost, Stewie is an animated character from a tv show Wily Jeneric has never watched (although we know the premise).

Our concerns include:
1. Stewie is an evil genius. Why must all geniuses be evil (see the Brain or Dr. Evil)? We assure you that Baby Jeneric will be a kind, do-gooding sort of genius who helps old women cross the street and retrieves kittens from trees.

2. Stewie wears disposable diapers. How can a character who uses the phrase ‘cursed ovarian Bastille’ not be potty trained?

3. Stewie’s number one enemy is his mother. Look, this parenting gig is going to be difficult enough; let’s hope Baby Jeneric is not also interested in assassinating his/her mother!

Decorating with Two Nerds

While the average college graduate can live for months in a sterile white apartment, babies require a bit more visual stimulation. The nursery walls are a lovely yellow, but babies don’t really see/like yellow until they’re nearly a year old. Clearly, we need some wall art. But we are nerds. Our house is a theme-less hodge podge, highlighting our love of nature, science and fiber (if Ansel Adams had taken a photograph of a fractal made from yarn, we’d probably own it). Is this a suitable decorating scheme for a baby? You be the judge – below are our first two decorating finds.

On Saturday we snagged a window bird feeder and some birdseed.

Sunday we strolled the Highland Park Street Fair and picked up some alphabet cards.

Bb
Birds can fly.
Nn
This Nest has two eggs.
Oo
Owls like the night.

Of the 26 cards, 12 are animal themed and of those 12, three are bird themed. Coincidence? Probably! Check back in 2010 to see if Baby Jeneric is the next Audubon or Sibley.

Into the Closet

It is mid-September and we are proud to say that we have finished the closet.

Jenni takes no credit for the beauty that is the closet (all she did was hang some clothes). Eric wiled away countless hours scraping, steaming, patching and painting. A hefty round of applause, please, for Eric the handyman.

All is revealed

Ah, What in the World?

It’s our crib! Yes, Baby Jeneric will not have to spend the first weeks of their life in a laundry basket, dresser drawer or cardboard box. Indeed, as some would say, our nursery is all but complete (What’s missing? Baby Jeneric of course!). Congrats (and Happy Birthday) to Teresa who was first on the bandwagon to name the slat as a part of the crib.

In other revealing news, it appears that the life jacket…

still fits! This brings us to our first quandary. We were grossly unclear in denoting how we would determine the contest winner (does Springob automatically win? Could Greg still win?). We will continue trying on the vest and make an executive decision in the near future.

Finally, Wily Jeneric has begun baby classes, or, as we affectionately call them: “how not to harm or maim your new baby in the first weeks of their life.” So far, we’ve learned all the disgusting things that are completely normal for a newborn (peeling skin, purple belly buttons, marked faces, etc) and things that are not normal (projectile vomiting, one diaper a day, blood). We’ve discovered what’s essential for baby (food, car seat, crib) and what’s not (sleep positioners, special bottles, baby wipes). Eric has been faced with a difficult decision – should he want to clamp the umbilical cord (if you know Eric, you understand the dilemma)? And Jenni continues to face the shock and awe that ensues when she confirms her desire for a drug-free birth.

What in the World?

Fifty bonus points to the first person who can correctly identify this:

Happy Labor (less) Day!

Jenni continues to get rounder and the life vest continues to fit.

This means that the Great Life Vest Contest is down to two: G^2, with a guess of September 9 and Springob with a guess of November 3.

Consolation prizes go to Gelfling, Great Grandma Yvonne, Priscilla , Ry4an, and Teresa.