The Quotable Lamaze Book

You can read all you want about the ‘miracle’ of birth, but there’s nothing like a class to make you giggle like a twelve year old. Our instructor is a spry old woman who’s been delivering babies for ever and who believes that proper breathing can fix just about anything (Eric’s testing the theory on a leaky pipe in the basement).

Much more amusing, however, is the booklet that accompanies the class – “The Gift of Motherhood: Your Personal Journey Through Prepared Childbirth.” The eerie, smiling drawings of women in labor, beginning on page 12, were our first clue that this booklet might be a little unusual. We've collected a few of the more amusing quotes to share:

Addressing the labor support person:
“Keep your strength up. Just do not eat in front of her!” (p 12)
“Note to Labor Support Person: Please do not eat any onions or other types of spicy foods that day…” (p 20) Note to Eric: If you do either of these, I’ll force the hospital food on you!

On page 34, there is a picture of a ketchup bottle and a mayonnaise bottle. We’ll leave it up to you to figure out why.

Cutting the umbilical cord is trendy these days, and…
“Don’t worry, the doctor won’t let them cut off something that is not supposed to be cut off!” (p 43) These are words no mother-to-be should read or hear.

Regarding labor:
“There is no turning back!” (p 46) Then this isn’t an elective procedure?
“Hiccuping, belching and passing gas. How lovely!” (p 50) Sarcasm brought to you by the Catholic Church.
“Do not let anyone tell you that labor does not hurt if you breathe and relax properly. You will want to hunt them down after having your baby.” (p 54) Again, this from a hospital affiliated with the Catholic Church??

What the baby looks like:
“Oh no, my baby has a cone head!” (p 64) Mm. Yes. This is common among earthling young ones.

Feeding your newborn:
“The football hold.” (p 95) This position is typically used by breast-feeding fathers.
“You are now a DAD!” (p 104) That didn’t happen when the baby was born? Huh, we had no idea it was linked to feeding.

Caring for baby:
“The first week at home as a new mom is great. You are catered to every step of the way. Your friends and family are there to help you with meals, cleaning and anything else you want or need.” (p 109) Excellent! We have some pipes in the basement that need replacing and I’d really love to have a sauna out back. Let’s get cracking, folks!